Twilight. Defenses down. Diversions gone. I feel empty, lonely, scared knowing that the night is long, especially when I feel a need for comfort and security and don't know where they are going to come from.
That's why I called. Wanted to talk to someone. I called just to say hello, see how he was. But Joe started right in with the questions. "What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do?" Over and over again. Always the same question. Can't he understand that I don't have the answer? I just don't know what I want. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I love him and I want the closeness that comes from a committed relationship but I'm just not sure. I want to have the opportunity to look around. I want my freedom too. I'm curious. Not that there's anyone else right now but there could be and I want to have the opportunity and the freedom to take advantage of that should it happen.
He wants me to come back
patch up our relationship
I can't go back
not after what happened
don't think I can
don't know what I want.
I've always had a man in my life, as long as I can remember. I've never had time to myself. Never been alone. Always been defined by a relationship. What I want is some time and space for myself to figure out who I am. And here he goes again with the questions, pushing for answers, some definition, some direction from me as to how he's supposed to act. As if I knew. I don't know how to act myself. How can I tell him how to act? And really why do I care how he acts? What difference does it make? His actions don't help me define myself. They only confuse things.
I was honest and told Joe what I wanted from my life right now and he said, "Okay, come back and you can have any sort of life you want for yourself. I understand and I'll do anything I can. Just come back and we can work this out."
He said he understood and then asked if we could hold our relationship together anyway! Goddamnit! Oh, I hate that word, but always the relationship! Why does he always want to define it and talk about it, always asking the same questions over and over and then saying he understands before asking the same questions all over again and talking talking until I have to cut him off?
Talk, talk, talk, Jesus but he can talk and never say anything. Goes over and over the same thing, talking and talking as if some answer will come from the repetition of his words or some revelation will come from the sound of his voice, sounding like he's doing all his thinking out loud. I'm tired of talking about it.
Why can't he just understand and go about his own life? He just seems to cling to me, can't let go. Sure he's always sweet, does nice things for me, always calls to ask about my day, always suggests a movie or shopping where he is so good and patient about waiting while I try on dresses, always complimentary with his remarks and holds the doors and the chairs at the table, always seems to be on top of things, relaxed and calm and easy going and in control, never upset. Willing to do whatever I ask him. So why can't he just get on with his life and do whatever it is he needs to do and give me the time and space I need to get my life together?
I don't know
Still love him
don't want to be with him anymore
can't he understand that?
don't want to hurt him
I've got to have my freedom and space to do what I want
want to say no without feeling like I'm hurting him.
Why can't he just get on with his life and make it easy for me? Why can't he go out and meet other people, develop other relationships, maybe find another woman? It would make my life a hell of a lot easier because I wouldn't have to feel so guilty about hurting him whenever I want to explore my own needs. God I don't want to do anything to hurt him but I don't know if I can deal with the expectations of commitment to a relationship right now. Maybe later, when I get myself straightened out and get my career started, but not now I just can't; I need space and freedom. Maybe then I can settle into a relationship that I'll be willing to give myself to but right now I have to keep the barriers up and protect myself.
He says that I keep part of myself walled away, won't let it out, won't take a chance but I want to know that the relationship is going to work out before I let myself go. He says there are no guarantees but I feel responsible for him changing his whole life to be with me and guilty that I can't give more but I can't because I'm not sure of who I am or what I want.
He says I'm doomed. One of his vicious verbal barbs when we fight. Says that I'm doomed to go from man to man seeking approval. He says I'll always be searching and I'll always be unsatisfied because even though someone approves of me I get anxious to hear it from someone else. I want to be in control he says but I hate it when he seems to so passively accept my control. Why can't he have some backbone of his own? Why do I have to define everything? Why can't he assert himself?
And who is he to tell me that I'm doomed? Where does he get that? As if he knew. The only relationships he talks about he says ended badly and that he was hurt. No details. He seems to have no friends and spends so much time alone reading. Me I want to get out and enjoy myself.
Why involved with him in the first place?
I was lonely, felt empty
thought I'd fall in love with the first man to hold me and make me feel secure
tall, dark and handsome,
looked interesting and I wondered about him
went to a bar for beers,
sharing the same longneck bottles
passing them back and forth to each other
I wondered what he would feel like in my hands
just talked.
He traveled. We stayed in touch, talking a couple of times a week on the phone. When he was in town we had great sex. I just couldn't get enough. I needed to be held, to be touched. Wanted it. And he did it so nicely.
When he left I was relieved because I had my space back and my time was my own again. But I missed him. When he asked me to move in with him I freaked. I told him I couldn't deal with being with him all the time, that I needed my space and freedom, that my friends wouldn't let me, that I needed to be alone for awhile because I thought I was going to have a breakdown. Anything to dissuade him.
I told him I would think about it and he called me the next day to ask if I had come to some answer. I should have know then about how he would push me always wanting answers and thinking that just a few hours was enough for me when I wanted time alone. It's going to take longer than that. I don't know how long but I hate it when he keeps asking me for some indication. I mean I just want him to go off and get on with his life and get established and get a job and have some regular money coming in instead of all this running around from one thing to the next.
Joe could be doing so much better for himself but he seems to like staying along the sidelines. Never goes after a steady job. I can't understand. I never want that and can't imagine myself in that position. He has a different lifestyle that I can't understand. I want security and comfort and money to spend as I want to when I want to and his lack of security disturbs me and I can't really relate to it. He says that he's changing directions and that soon he will be settled into something but I want him to find something that he will be happy with. He's done a lot with his life but I don't think he's been happy with any of it. If he were happy at something he'd still be doing it instead of wandering about looking at different things. Opportunities he calls them. Each day a different one and he never seems to stick on one. He never seems to go with one and make it work and god that's stressful.
I said yes to Joe because I told myself I didn't want to be alone and I wanted to be held and protected and taken care of. I thought he could do that and he seemed so willing to do anything and was so kind and sweet and attentive and always there and willing to be with me. But there were times I wasn't sure that I wanted to be involved with him. At those times I could have just walked away and never looked back but then other times I saw him and just melted knowing I was in love with him.
But when I told him I was moving out because I wanted time and space he couldn't understand although he said he did but I don't think he really did. I tried to pull everything together but the pressure got to be too much and I couldn't deal with it any more. I called him just to talk and asked him to come over but when he got here I wouldn't let him in. Said I didn't want to see him right then. Said I wanted to be alone. Said I just wanted to sleep.
Don't sleep he says stay awake
so tired want sleep
his hands shaking me rough so far away why won't he let me alone
don't sleep don't sleep!
I wouldn't let him in
he broke down the door
splintering frame and snapping sound of that little chain
like crunching locusts underfoot
held me over the toilet
I vomited up the sleeping pills
swirling in bile like boats of death
sleep so tired want to sleep
No! Stay awake he says stay awake!
He wouldn't leave me alone. He should have gone away immediately but he just stayed and followed me from room to room. I was terrified. If I had the strength I would have clawed his eyes and tried my damndest to kill him just as dead as I possibly could.
I can see that I am partially to blame for what happened but then I don't know. Things were fine just before that. At least I thought they were and if it hadn't happened things would be just fine now or as fine as they could be. But he ruined everything. Because of what? Because he was jealous of me trying to make a little more time and space for myself. Because he can't define himself outside being connected with me. I can't understand and don't know if I ever will. It doesn't matter its over. I can never trust him again. I would always be fearful that situation would happen again.
Feeling ambivalent
lonely
empty
tired
want to sleep
part of me wanting
to apologize
but part of me screaming
no no no you can't go back.
Right no going back. Must go forward but to what? Maybe this is the wrong time and maybe it's to use his word doomed. Maybe I wanted it to be over but didn't realize it. Maybe he wanted it to be over too and was pushing for me to make the decision. I don't know doesn't matter.
Told him that as a way of explaining my confusion right now of wanting him in and out of my life both at the same time and he broke down and cried. I've never seen him cry and it was nice to see that he was human but then I've got to stay beyond that. I can't just apologize and say okay let's go back to the way things were and ask him to stay tonight and wake up in the morning and fix breakfast with him and eat out on the porch under the pine trees. I can't pretend that what happened didn't happen. It was good before and if this hadn't happened it would be good now but everything happened so fast and I don't understand even what happened much less why it happened and I ask myself the same questions trying to come up with some answers.
No answers. Just the sound of a jet airplane overhead barely audible very sad and far away like it's coming from the bottom of the ocean the most lonesome sound I can imagine like emptiness and lack of meaning so far away out there in the night long past twilight past where the jet airplanes rumble seeming to come from deep in the ocean like the sound of fish dreaming.
Oh but it's nice
so far away
getting sleepy tired
down there at the end of the bed
facing away from me
rubbing my legs and thinking his thoughts
only half lit by the small lamp on the dresser
not crying anymore
just sitting and rubbing
telling me over and over again to stay awake
say something else but there's nothing to say
to make things better
make me stop hurting
shouldn't be thinking this
feels so good him rubbing my legs
soft night air through the window
pines outside rustling in the breeze
little lamp making shadows on the ceiling
so quiet, everything quiet and soft
comfortable
like I always wanted it to be
so sleepy
No stay awake! Don't sleep!
his touch feels like the night air
I want to fall asleep in it
wake somewhere far gone from this
his touch could take me there
sleep I want it
stay awake
he can turn out the lights
too tired to think
confused don't know what I want
heart feels dead but still a spark
but know I can't revive it
stay awake, don't sleep
why is this happening to me?
I don't know I don't know I don't know
I said I don't know . . .
